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Bob
I can understand people's frustrations as they come up against something like SSA and do everything they can possibly think of (or even that other people think of) and nothing seems to work. I went that route for 47 years! What if I had given up at 10, 20, 30 or 40 years because "nothing was working"? I would never have found the mighty change of heart that did come after 47 years of struggle, and it has made all the difference in the world in how I look at things now. The whole purpose of [this message is] to encourage others not to give up just because change and healing aren't coming according to our own timetable, but to trust in Him who knows when blessings are best to grant us, even if it isn't for many years. Elder Maxwell put it this way in his book "Moving in His Majesty & Power":
"We are not left alone! Nevertheless, we are clearly and constantly at risk. Could the further education of my desires thus be the most important form of my continuing education? Pres. Joseph F. Smith said: 'Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we wanted them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.'" Elder Maxwell added: "God is really able to do His own work. We can trust Him. He knows perfectly what brings happiness to His children whom He loves perfectly."
I have seen some who used to be on this list become discouraged and leave, ostensibly to enter the "gay lifestyle". Oh how I wished there was some way to help them see that decision as one that would only bring more sorrow and heartache. However, I know that our Father is still seeking after them, and if they will respond, He will lead them back to His Light and Truth. He never gives up on us until there is no time left, but ultimately it is up to us and whether our pride and hard-heartedness will prevent Him being able to work His miracles in our life when the time is right. He will never force us to give Him our will, but that is the only thing He really wants (and doesn't have) from us, because then He can bless our lives in so many ways that we never even dreamed possible It is giving Him our wills that I was referring to when I said we need to continue to pray and ask him to intervene. We wouldn't offer such a prayer if we had no intention or desire to receive the eventual blessings. He knows what we need, but He wants us to admit that we can't do it and that we really do need His intervention.
Anyway, much more could be said on this subject. I hope you realize that I did not say that all we need to do is keep praying and that there aren't things that we can do to help the process. We should do everything that we can do, but sometimes we put our faith in mentors, or support groups or counselors or programs (all of which can be very helpful) or ourselves, and not in Him. He expects us to do what we can, but when it comes to healing from something like SSA (or at least having our burdens lightened), the things that we can do are very small in comparison to what He needs to do (and that His Atonement gave Him the power to do).
All the best with love,
Bob
dbobd@msn.com
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Kim
"Change" used to be a dirty word for me. I fought it and was turned off by it and would shy away from anyone who claimed it. What did they mean by "change" anyway? When I first started this journey through SSA, it seemed to mean that one had gone from SSA to OSA (opposite sex attracted). That they had gone from "gay" to "straight." Such claims are still hard for me. But I have a different view of the word "change" for myself. A friend from the D2 list asked me about an article I wrote 10-years ago, so I went and dug it out, and typed it out for him. I was amazed by it, personally. Not really by the article, but by how different I am now on some levels. I never, ever thought I would say such a thing, but I have changed. In some very important ways. I think I could honestly stand before a crowd and claim it without feeling like I was hiding something, or presenting a false face. I won't say I'm straight. I still don't mean that when I say "change." But .... well, you all see for yourself. I put my 2006 comments in bold so you can see the changes. The original article is in normal print.
Out But In, Kimberly Mack, Exponent II, Vol 20 #1, 1996
Even though I had had two “intimate” relationships with women while I was in my early twenties, I considered my attraction to women to be behind me by the time I married my husband. However, after eight years, I discovered that I still had sexual feelings for women. I had spent the pervious four years experiencing a lot of unrest around sexual issues. In the midst of this and other hardships, I did some extensive personal evaluation and found that I really hadn’t, as I had been assuming, “overcome” my same-sex attraction.
My first reaction was akin to horror. I didn’t want to feel those feelings! I didn’t want to desire sexual relationships with women! So began the intense prayer, the pleading, the losing myself in service. For seven months, I prayed several times a day for these feelings to be taken from me. I prayed to have them rooted out of me, and didn’t care how painful that process might be. I didn’t want to be a lesbian. I wanted to love my husband in a way I couldn’t seem to at that point.
In those seven months, I tried mind/behavior modification, I tried singing hymns, I tried to keep busy. I found myself frustrated, depressed, and feeling very alone. When I considered that this was possibly not going to be taken from me after all, I searched everywhere I had access to for some sort of support. Surely I couldn’t be the only LDS person attracted to her or his own gender!
I sought out a few Christian organizations dealing with the issue but found them rigid and uncomfortable and surely not geared toward my unique beliefs. I started going to a therapist but fired her after she told me that I needed to explore this part of me and not hide it. I looked on the Internet for groups who had my interests in mind. I found many of the members of such groups to be antagonistic toward the Church, less than active, or had taken their names off the records of the Church yet still called themselves Mormon. I remember reading of one individual’s story about discovering her own feelings, discovering the non-support within the church, finding happiness outside of the church, and finally being able to express their feelings and affections without guilt. I screamed inside of myself, “Is this my future?! Am I going to be like this in a few years?!” With all my heart, I didn’t want it to be so.
With the absence of a group that appealed to my desire to remain true and faithful to the Church an its teachings regarding chastity, regardless of my attractions, I designed a group of my own. I called my new electronic mailing list “Disciples2,” for even though I had feelings that were seemingly in direct contrast to the doctrines of the gospel, I was a disciple, too. The mailing list has grown into something I never had imagined or considered, with a panel of members to help me with decisions and the creation of two other lists to cater to the needs of families and the unique needs of women.
For a few more months, I still felt tremendous conflict and turmoil. I was not finding relief from my attractions but rather an increase in them. I found another therapist more to my liking, but the issue of homosexuality was quite new to her, and she didn’t have answers, either. I made many lesbian friends from my computer correspondence and found myself feeling very safe and comfortable with them. I understood what was meant when homosexuals refer to each other as “family” because that is exactly how I felt - like I had finally found home. I have to add here that this increase in my attractions went away, almost like a pendulum. Sometimes I wonder if it were a test for me to see if I meant what I said – that I wanted to follow the laws of the Lord, regardless of what I was feeling. Unfortunately, I faltered in that determination many times before I finally had the decrease in my attractions that I am enjoying today.
Within a few months of feeling at home, I began developing a long-distance relationship, with a woman who is my perfect match, my soul mate. My conflict and turmoil increased. I found myself feeling incredibly and completely loved by her. I felt whole with her. When I met with her in person, I finally felt like myself. I was free to be who I was with no negative reactions from her. Loving her felt natural, good, and incredible. I found myself asking constantly, “How can something that feels so perfect be wrong? Why would the Lord want me to give up something that helps me to feel as wonderful as this relationship does?”
I considered leaving my husband and children to live with her. I was quite willing to leave the church for her. But somehow, I couldn’t. The thought of being with her always felt good but not necessarily right. I made valiant efforts to make this decision and feel right in my heart, but the conflict and turmoil continued. I had two equal and strong desires: one to live with her, to be loved, and to love in a way that felt natural for me; the other to follow the counsel of the Lord and to have my life be “right” with Him. In addition to the increase of my need to be with a woman, my testimony of the truthfulness of the prophet’s counsel to abstain from homosexual behavior became solidified. And now I have only one desire: to be “right” with the Lord. How amazed I am that the former desire has gone away completely, not only my desire for her, but for any woman. I do not want that type of relationship with a woman anymore and can’t imagine going there. I feel loved by many, many good people, some women and some men. I feel accepted and complete without that kind of affirmation from a woman. How freeing! How glorious!
I am not saying that I never felt alone or alienated by the Church, although these feelings were caused mostly by individual Church members and not by Church leadership. I have found a great lack of understanding concerning this issue among members of the church, and I have found an enormous amount of discomfort among my peers when the subject is brought up. I have felt that I am seen as a pariah, a pervert, one who cannot be trusted. But all these things could not make the Church or its teachings untrue to me. The apparent lack of understanding at the general Church leadership level doesn’t make their other teachings any less true, either.
The Church is true, the teachings that homosexual actions are sin are true, and I can’t deny it. Even though I find earlier Church statements painful and unforgiving, I find some measure of peace in more recent discussion of the issue by Church leaders.
I chose to stay with my family and with the Church. (though now I am divorced.)I am not about to say that it is an easy decision and now that I made it I am just fine. I still feel pain, I still ache to be with the woman whom I still love, I still long to be comforted and loved by a woman. At the same time, I still pray to have the strength to live with my feelings, to bear the intensity of them, to remain faithful. I don’t expect my feelings to go away or change, but I do expect that the Lord will help me live with them faithfully as I turn to Him, my bishop, and a few select friends from my ward and elsewhere for support. Now here is huge change: I do not feel pain, I do not ache to be anywhere other than where I am right now, I do not ache to be with anyone in this way, I do not have longings to be comforted and loved by a woman. I get comfort and love from so many good people, not just one woman. I am blessed to have a good woman in my life who does love me and comfort me, but how blessed I am that it is in a way that is in the Lord’s way, not my former carnal way. So many told me that to turn to the Lord would take care of those needs for me, and I had no concept of what they were talking about. How in the world could that be true? I still don’t know how – but I do know it’s true. My life has changed to such a degree, and how wonderful! And how grateful I am that I don’t have to bear the intensity of my feelings, because they are no longer intense! I did not expect my feelings to go away or change – how wonderfully surprised and blessed I am that the Lord didn’t go according to my faith, but according to His. Wow.
One of the main things I have learned while being the moderator of the mailing listed mentioned above and being privileged to see into the lives of hundreds of people is that one answer does not fit all. My answer cannot be the answer of another; their answer cannot be mine. But I am quite certain that living a life close to the Church, even though I am indeed a lesbian, is possible. I know it for I am living it. Faithfulness to the gospel is difficult, but there is peace found in it - a peace that surpasses the pain, turmoil, and loneliness that I often feel. And it is peace I have been looking for all along. One other change: my discomfort at calling myself a “lesbian.” Doesn’t seem to fit anymore. Sure, I’ll use it when talking to people who use that term, because it’s easier than to have to explain. But here, it doesn’t fit. And faithfulness to the gospel is no longer difficult! There is more peace now in my life than there was 10 years ago when I wrote this. Amazing stuff here. Does anyone else see the glory and wonder in this? I’m personally astounded and so, so blessed. This is what I want for each of you. Totally.
Much love,
Kim Mack
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